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Soapwatch: JACI STEPHEN’s ultimate insight into this week’s soaps

We know that love stories and break-ups are the backbone of soap, but there’s also nothing an audience likes more than a good old Let’s Get Back Together tale.

Reunions warm the heart: they tell us that nothing is insurmountable (serial killer spouses aside), and that everyone can learn from the past and move towards a happier future (until the next time, of course).

The on/off marriage between EastEnders’ Ben and Callum has been the talk of social media recently.

The hashtag #Ballum (a little one-sided?) has been trending, and the collective relief was palpable when the pair made up. It’s surely only a matter of time before Kat and Phil follow, but for the moment we must wait to see whether love will triumph over all their adversity.

It took forever for Corrie’s Eileen and George to hit an even keel, but a partner who buys you a funeral plan for Christmas is going to put a dampener on a relationship.

As for Emmerdale, we all know Charity and Cain are soulmates, despite both doing an awful lot of soul-flitting over the years. Time to start giving to Charity again, Cain!

EASTENDERS: BLADE RUNNER

Phil Mitchell and Kat Moon. ‘I ain’t no grass.’ How many times have we been subjected to Phil uttering this? Big mistake. Should have gone for being the grass, Phil; several lawns, in fact, because now you’re in a mess

‘I ain’t no grass.’ How many times have we been subjected to Phil uttering this? Big mistake. Should have gone for being the grass, Phil; several lawns, in fact, because now you’re in a mess.

Where he’s concerned, a single blade of grass is always going to be greener on the uvver side, especially when Kat discovers he’s been keeping Tommy’s bullying secret.

Instead of running a mile, though, she realises what she has to lose, goes down on one knee (pictured) and proposes.

Eggzackly wot she finks she ‘as ter lose is anybody’s guess, because from where I’m standing it’s nothing more than someone keeping the fridge stocked in orange juice, and the occasional bit of rumpy pumpy after an oil change.

As losses go, they wouldn’t fill an eye bath.

Phil decides to toughen up Tommy by teaching him to box – think of Phil as the poor (very, very poor) man’s Tyson Fury.

But when Tommy legs it from bullies, he takes refuge in the Argee Bhajee (a name in competition with ‘I ain’t no grass’ for most frequently uttered words).

We know what lurks beneath the floorboards there – and it’s not a stale naan bread.

CORONATION STREET: CARELESS WHISPERS

Limpet Lydia stood no chance holding on to Daniel while clingfish Daisy was around, but she wasted no time in diverting her attention back to Adam in Coronation Street

Limpet Lydia stood no chance holding on to Daniel while clingfish Daisy was around, but she wasted no time in diverting her attention back to Adam.

Goodness knows what he did in their previous incarnation, but she’s really going for it on the revenge front.

Having set Adam up with seeming evidence to make it look as if they’re having an affair, it has the desired effect when Sarah tracks down receipts from various gifts and an alleged night of hotel passion involving Champagne and oysters.

Adam, don’t you check your credit card spend online? And why doesn’t the bank block your card if you’re splashing out of character?

Mine gets a security alert when it clocks that, instead of a bus, I’m catching an Uber (yegods! The extravagance!).

While Adam is accused of cheating by Sarah (pictured), Abi confesses to Sally that she cheated on Kevin. It all goes wrong when the women have a conversation, little knowing that it is being broadcast via Bluetooth to Kevin in his rented camper van.

For someone who can easily find her way around a car engine, you’d think that Abi would know how Bluetooth operates, but no, and Kevin roars off into the sunset.

Imran is keen to know how much Abi has told Kevin (the cat isn’t just out of the bag; the cattery is running wild). Time for another ‘I’m devastated but still smirking’ look from Toyah, methinks.